Thursday, January 14, 2016

25 Moments of Getting Fired

Something about me is that I got fired from my job this summer. I say "fired" to be dramatic but I actually got "laid off," which I've since learned is entirely different from being fired because when you're fired it's because of something you did, but when you're laid off, it's because the company can't afford to pay you anymore. I think. Well that's what happened to me. I think getting laid off builds character, like breaking a bone or failing a math test even though you studied really hard (the latter is the story of my college career. I have a lot of character!).

I remember every single minute of the day I got fired. This is what happened. Everything is accurate and fact-checked.

1. I wake up in the morning and go on an extra long run (7 miles!) because I hate my boss and I think that running will release endorphins and make me hate my boss less. It doesn't!
2. I make a smoothie. The strawberries are too frozen and they get stuck in the blender's blade and so I put a wooden spoon in the blender to get the strawberries out, but then I accidentally press the "liquify" option and the wooden spoon explodes in my smoothie. My smoothie is a giant splinter. Bad day, and I haven't even been fired yet!
3. I sit in Liquiteria and eat an expensive acai bowl and think about how much my boss sucks.
4. I go to work and don't talk to anybody. I go on Gchat and tell anyone who is green about my blender mishap.
5. I get called into the shitty conference room.
6. I get fired.
7. I walk out of the shitty conference room and I cry and I make a mental note to remember the date (August 5, a great day to be fired!) and then I call my dad and then I call my mom and then I call my sister and then I text my friends.
8. I walk into a bodega and buy a Diet Coke and I chug it.
9. I stand on the corner and I burp.
10. I go back into the bodega and buy a Diet Sunkist.
11. I stand on the corner and I burp.
12. I walk around the block listening to "Dancing on My Own."
13. I think about how I get to be "on the dole" like in the British chick lit books I read. (Mr. Maybe).
14. I go back to work and Google "how to move to France." No promising results.
15. I leave work because I've been fired and what was I even doing Googling random shit at my desk.
16. I sit on the steps of Union Square and watch the Hare Krishna but I can't hear their chanting because I'm blocking out the world with "Dancing on My Own."
17. I go eat free samples at Whole Foods.
18. I go eat free samples at Agata & Valentina.
19. I go buy gum at Duane Reade and run into my mom's friend who asks me "what I'm doing with my life." Idk, my bff Jill? but instead I say "I live in the East Village!!!!" with a lot of enthusiasm.
20. I go to my sister's apartment and write this blog post.
21. My sister takes me out to dinner and pays for me because my income is TBD.
22. I go back to my apartment and binge eat the only thing I have on my shelf (granola) and then I Google "how to move to France" again. Nothing good comes up except farming and teaching. Nah.
23. I go to bed.
24. I wake up to pee and remember I got fired. Yikes!
25. I wake up for real and go on an extra long run (7 miles!) because I have nowhere to be and I hate my boss ten times more than I did yesterday and I think that endorphins will make him bother me less but they don't because he sucks!!!

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