Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Mourning the Conscious Uncoupling


Celebrity breakups affect me more than they do average person. I remember where I was when I found out that Brad and Jen were splitting up, and I have the image of Brad in his 'TRASH' shirt on the beach of Anguilla stuck in my head as if I were there with them, third-wheeling their breakup vacay. Heidi and Seal was an unexpected celebrity divorce that sent me for a whirl, but you know, I was ambivalent towards the Reese Witherspoon-Ryan Phillipe fallout. I've cried over Justin Timberlake's breakups even though I always knew he and Jessica Biel would get back together. There are two celebrity couples on whom I've spent considerable brain time fearing their demise as a romantic duo: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, and Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner.


So you can imagine how I felt yesterday evening when I received a text from a friend sharing news of the conscious uncoupling. I shed a few tears, then I checked my email and thought how ironic it was to receive a goop newsletter at such a time. That I was unable to read the note from GP because the site had crashed only added to the catastrophic world-is-over feeling that grappled me as I walked into my apartment furiously texting my friends and trying to re-load goop.com.

I spent my first morning in a world that now lacks the Paltrow-Martin union making a breakup playlist. I'm not sorry that I'm not kidding. The playlist isn't too inventive--it includes the Country Strong soundtrack, Coldplay's greatest/saddest hits, and Gwyneth's rendition of Turning Tables. I read People.com's extensive coverage until I realized that there wasn't much left to report on the matter. And I don't believe any cheating rumors because both are too wholesome for that shiz.

I still can't believe it.

Expect me to jump off a cliff if Ben and Jen ever break up. Also maybe Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves. They do great things for Brazilian-Texan couples.

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